Depression. What helps and what hurts. From a suicide survivor to you

We all make mistakes. My mistakes are not worthy of a Scarlet Letter. Nobody’s mistakes are worthy of a Scarlet Letter. This is my story. For the first time in my life I couldn’t give. I watched as many people left my life and as lawsuit upon lawsuit was thrown at me while I owned a salon. (BTW Won those. 👌) The loss I feel over relationships and friendships keeps me up most nights. The beauty is seeing the few who have stood by me; drove 7hrs in the middle of the night to help me move; dropped everything to be there for me at a moments notice all while reminding me that I’ve always done the same for others. I struggle with how to open up again, how to trust again, how to let the full me out after feeling such retaliation for being sick. Over time I have heard many things said about me that just aren’t true or are only half a story. This, for anyone struggling with depression, will hurt more than anything. Be prepared to prepare for disappointment and loss. Don’t assume everyone around you will be there tomorrow. Learn to lean on yourself for strength and not others because no matter what you’re going to have to learn it anyway. It is a gift to learn! You may experience people who were once friends look to the ground if they see you. Your head is held high ready to look them in the eye...but they can’t look you in the eye. That speaks for itself. People who have shamed you but never heard your story or stand by those that shame you staying silent is a hard pill to swallow. You want recourse but if they are not sticking up for you or reaching out for your story you realize what little your worth is or was to them. This experience broke my heart many times. I am not ashamed to say I’m a suicide survivor, but I do find it’s those of us who make it that see how those who don’t are immortalized all over TV, especially public figures. The strong words from many saying they would have done anything to help, or what a loss to the world, and I’m over here catching side eye from some dude because I had to muster up everything in me after my suicide attempt to tell his friend I wasn’t happy in our relationship. I still wish the timing was different. I have many sorrows and regrets and it took strength to do that, but fine let me listen to how this public figure who committed suicide has person after person saying they would have done anything to stop it while this bitch is giving me side eye over a break up. Does that make any sense to you? Where do you think the mind of a suicide survivor goes in a time like that? This has sat heavy with me for a long time, to the point where I avoid going out. I avoid being social and being in places not because I feel ashamed, but because I am exhausted by half truths, dirty looks, or people hiding from me. Depression makes you feel alone, unwanted and unworthy. Don’t add to that for someone who is struggling. What if they’re are at the tipping point of suicide? Is whatever you perceive that happened so wrong it’s worth someone being pushed to the edge? Consider that such a person can be pushed to the edge simply by your dirty look. I’m glad to talk about my burdens over the last two years if it helps just one person. Do I still cry? Often. Do I still have days where I run and hide to let the tears roll out and 1 minute later am smiling and bubbly? Hell yes! Do I have days where I feel utterly defeated? Not anymore. You’ll find your true friends in this process. That love? That love is stronger than defeat because it will carry you up. To have others say you’ve done your best instead of only pointing out the negatives is church for those struggling. I wasn’t going to make this public as I’ve been writing a lot about my journey with depression lately, which has been hard having to relive a lot of moments I never imagined could ever be my life. It’s the one part that still cuts deep. My love for people doesn’t die as quickly as I may want others to believe. It hurts. Hurt that’s gone away over time as I realized if someone doesn’t care to simply ask you what happened then they don’t really care at all. Save that space for people who will love you and who see you as you are. It’s no one’s place to cast their perspective on your story before that story has even come close to an end or even found its true purpose. This isn’t for sympathy but for others I know are feeling the same. As I’ve shared my experiences and I’ve received countless messages from old coworkers, school mates, and others sharing with me, they too are dealing with this and saying I’m brave for sharing. For me, sharing isn’t brave at all because I would feel cowardly if I did not at least try to help someone who might be dealing with depression. I feel alone everyday. I’m alone all the time, something that is mostly by choice but at times a hard pill to swallow. I didn’t understand that my depression started much earlier than when I was diagnosed. I tried to live a life that wasn’t who I was 100%. I knew in my heart that the people around me were not there for me. I was an inconvenience. This mixed with some poorly timed natural disasters made the perfect storm. That same year there was flooding at the salon 4 times in a month to the point the wood floors were warped almost 2 feet high and right if front of the shampoo bowls. Property management would not fix it. My friend came in and fixed the leak and I had to lawyer up to get the floors paid for. I was scared, I was broke, I felt alone, and yet I was very responsible to make sure everyone in that salon got paid. I had also been sick for weeks with a chest cold at this time and I understand now what happened. Depression took over my life. No drive. No desire to be social. Crying day and night and being constantly talked down to like I was an uneducated piece of trash by property management. My depression just got worse after this. I wish I had a guide online from other stylists battling these issues but I had to do what I could and what I thought was best. To any stylists out there feeling worn out or falling into depression, PLEASE take time off! A few months after the flooding incident, I felt like a zombie. I couldn’t feel joy, I felt sadness, I cried, but sometimes didn't feel that, either. In May 2017 I tried to commit suicide. For months I had been researching lethal combinations of prescription pills. The therapist I had for over a decade was very loose with prescriptions. Over the course of a few months I asked for 4 different prescriptions, googling the symptoms to justify needing it. I didn’t fully realize what I was doing. Each time I picked up one of those prescriptions I felt like I was just putting something into the security box “just in case.” And of course I was putting my best face on so no one would know. One Friday night in May I took those pills. I had a letter. My heart was supposed to basically explode with the combination of prescriptions but instead I woke up dazed. The bedroom had been torn to shreds. I ripped clothes out of drawers, papers out of notebooks, and as I gazed upon my surroundings I knew I wasn’t safe where I was. Still I pushed that feeling to the side and tried to be social and go out that night only to leave 30 minutes after I arrived. I called my mom immediately when I got home that night, told her everything and drove to her house. A day and a half later she had a new therapist lined up for me. This was the darkest part of my life until last spring and the three months that followed. I had never felt pain like that and I was by far in my darkest place of this entire journey.The one person I gave my all to; that I’ve known since they started their cosmetology career; in the one person I never thought could do anything but have my back didn’t. When half truths, lies or one-sided stories are being told daily to each client and friend, that reach is far. At least once a week for the past four months these stories were presented to me. When I heard what the story was I was shocked. In truth I was gutted and spiraled into a very lonely, dark place. I experienced the worst of this entire past two years dealing with depression. By telling only one side (not just to personal friends but to clients) this person crossed a line. How? This person’s actions were the reason I had to close my salon. I posted positive things. Gave out contact information so anyone who wanted to reach them could. I knew I had to close my salon and began talking to other owners only to have these “stories” brought up on multiple occasions. Imagine trying to defend yourself against something that didn’t happen or to give some credit because everyone’s experiences and perceptions differ. These claims were so one sided that I was shocked, deeply hurt and found myself never uttering a bad word to any owner about this person. I was trying to protect my former friend from anyone knowing his own actions in this series of events. Every week a particular client sits in my chair. Having worked with my former friend for many years, the client knows him well. The client will start off by saying, “remember when you referred my sister/best friend/uncle to this person... I don’t know how to tell you this but they saw them a few weeks ago and...” and without a doubt it’s the same one-sided story that has gone far beyond any professional boundaries. It was hard enough knowing that within an industry I’ve given my all for, not just for myself but others, these lies and half truths were being told. But now that reach is in dinner conversation in peoples’ homes. I don’t talk about this person. Mostly because for a long time I would just start crying but also because I knew if I did, especially at my new salon, the talk would become negative and I didn’t want to bring that energy onto my new salon-mates. We’ve communicated many times [who? The new stylists? Or your old friend?] but when I added them on social media that was not returned. What I did notice was that stylists at my new salon were getting likes and comments from this person, my ex, and his best friend. I’ve never felt so torn apart from what I see as very purposeful actions to continue to try and hurt me. It’s something to this day I can’t speak much about because it’s too painful. I’m speaking on it today, though. I think it’s important for every person consider their words, who they say them to, and how. By saying what they said without me even knowing what occurred was an avalanche that painted someone as a victim and me as the suspect. I was not given so much as a chance to defend myself. I have no words. I have nothing but pain from this. Pain that once again had me on the brink of suicide. I already had issues trusting others and opening up but this situation thrust those old hurts into me. I’d lock myself away for months in my apartment fearful of yet another round of dirty looks or eye rolls if I went out. When you are dead set on proving your side of the street is clean, you don’t realize your actions have made your side just as dirty as you are trying to make the other person’s seem. I felt used. Used for all the years I did my best for someone. Used for the countless hours I put in. Used by this person taking money away from me by diverting clients to them whether possible. Years, years of this and this is what all that amounted to? I know many in our industry have felt burned this way. It hardens you. You stop trusting. For me it went far beyond to the point I couldn’t open up to my new coworkers or anyone at all. I was afraid to do so because I was afraid of another person hurting me this way again. This person knew I lost everything. They saw my life turned upside down. They saw the constant lawsuits, huge operation expenses, bills, they saw it all. They went after the only thing I had left. My integrity. To continue to contact me saying they wanted to work things out while saying this story, knowing very well I’d notice my ex and people who hurt me liking and commenting on their social media. I felt attacked. Brutally attacked. Until today I cared too much to say a word but I do believe this needs to be said so people on both sides of a disagreement can understand what their words and actions can create. If you are trying to point the finger with words, these words end up in other salons, other industries, and other households who have nothing to do with this industry. Word of advice. Don’t over react. It doesn’t help. I learned that lesson. Once again those reactions are not worthy of the hatred, shame, and lies that have been said to my face by a person whose actions were the final nail in the coffin of my salon. Be better, both sides can communicate like adults or say nothing to each other and keep it professional. While I was saying I was excited for this person’s new opportunity and I knew they would achieve great things, I never imagined in a million years that that wasn’t being done by someone else. You set me up, however unknowingly, with weeks of conversations to many people never speaking of all that I’ve done just speaking your story, one side, not allowing another to even have a chance to both personally and professionally not be thrown under the bus. Don’t do this to any colleague or boss. Talk. Work it out, and at the very least be a proffesional. At most understand the pain, fear, and hurt you caused in an already very vulnerable, sick human being. Would you want your words or actions to be the push into a persons darkest depression? Into suicidal thoughts?? I know the person I am speaking of has a good heart. I know they didn’t see this far reaching avalanche that came from their words. It’s a strange experience when the person you trusted the most scares you because that trust isn’t gone, it’s that they’re ok with what it did to me. [i didn’t get that sentence, tried to edit it and got lost] Do they think a Summer feeling the worst I have in life [unclear], the darkest place I’ve ever been in is deserving of any action they perceive I did? Let’s be clear, my side of the street was messy but it wasn’t messy in any way close to another scarlet letter etched onto me. This time by a best friend. A friend I still love but a friend I doubt will see or acknowledge what their actions have done. For any stylist or salon owner you can’t be mad when these things happen. Its your job to try and do your best for everyone in a salon. However it is ok to feel hurt. It is ok to speak up and say your side. It isn't ok to get clients, staff or other people in the industry involved. It’s also ok to realize that a friend does not do these things. It’s ok to feel like a failure and a fool. It’s ok. It’s something to this day I can’t speak much about because it’s too painful. I will say if I can get through those months, working until 10 or later every night for income that was desperately needed. If you’re suffering with depression you can to! Something happened that warmed my heart when everyone in the salon said they wanted to stick together and they wanted to help after I informed them i'd be closing. The sudden loss of a stylist with just a few days notice was the kiss of death in a long, tiresome and hard fought battle to keep my business afloat. Even though i felt like a complete failure I have ti say life surprises you even at the worst of times. That sentiment of everyone wanting to stay together gave me hope and love when I felt empty. This city often triggers painful memories for me. I remember when I had house guests every weekend and played host. I’ll walk in a neighborhood where I once lived with an ex questioning many things. Everyday I’m reminded of the loss of a friend that broke me. For a long time that pain was heavy on me. What I’ve realized is I did everything I could, everything I thought was right and best and never wanted anything but the best for this person. I found solace in that and began to heal. If I can heal you can too! Don’t get hurt, get empowered! Depression sucks but you? you keep going on day by day and things will change. Promise.